Things don’t always go as planned, and I think that’s OK. At least that’s what I have been telling myself for the past 4 weeks. My experience of moving back home has been nothing short of difficult, as road block after road block have appeared in my path. Between countless issues with getting my vehicle insured, finding a place to live, and getting employed, I’ve been incredibly discouraged, and handling that disappointment has been one of the toughest things I’ve had to do. This scenario which I painted in my head as being perfect and seamless has been the polar opposite. I’ve found myself lost with very little direction, particularly when it comes to employment, and I’ve been extremely let down as a result.

When it comes to the state of my car, I have had some absolutely horrible customer service experiences, and I have been left puzzled by why safetying a vehicle is so difficult for someone to do. I took my car to 3 different Autopac certified shops, all 3 of which told me there were different problems with my car and reasons that it failed safety. Not one of these locations said the same thing than the last. I’ve nearly invested as much money into repairs as the car is even worth, and have nearly nothing to show for it. Based on what has happened, I’m willing to wager that I have been purposefully getting ripped off based on my lack of knowledge of cars. It makes me feel like MPI’s “standardized” vehicle evaluations are the furthest thing from standardized, and that these businesses make money from taking advantage of those who are less knowledgeable about this particular area, as well as those who are vulnerable.

I’ve been told for years and years that social media is intended to be used to paint a perfect picture of all the best moments of our lives, while hiding away our tribulations. I was told repeatedly throughout my high school and college careers that if things were going awry in my personal life that I had to keep it off of social media. Why? I wish I saw more posts about people overcoming their own struggles instead of portraying a facade of deceiving perfection. We corrupt our social media pages with visages of beaming smiles among our friends, even if our lives are falling apart at the seams. Some of my closest friends are constantly putting up images that are so far removed from reality, it’s actually disturbing. Is this one of those scenarios where we’re taught that a white lie spewing misconceptions is better than telling the truth? Is this the same as if your loved one asks you if you look fat in a dress, where you’re supposed to say no? Whose opinions besides your own should social media be aimed to please?

I’ve lived a majority of my life attempting to please others before ensuring my own happiness, which I’ve only recently recognized as a major flaw of mine. I remember when I posted my first blog post, a friend of mine, who clearly had no intention of understanding mental health as being legitimate any time soon, told me he didn’t appreciate how I posted it online. He followed his rancor by requesting if I could “stop shoving my worldview down his throat”. This was within a small window following my first post, so I found myself discouraged by this as well. Back then, since I aimed to please others before myself, I apologized to him. I genuinely told him that I was sorry that he felt this way, instead of doing what any average person would do and telling him I didn’t care. Because there’s no reason I should care.

As I’ve grown up in the past couple years, I’ve been on this journey of trying to stop internalizing when my mood disorders are consuming my mind. It’s been the single toughest change I’ve tried making in my life, as I’ve lived most of my preteen and teen years thinking that if things weren’t perfect in my life as social media would portray, no one would want to know about it. While this is what I thought was the right thing to do, it felt so wrong for years. It feels to me like lying. If volleyball or school or work aren’t going well, I hate lying about it. I want to tell people that it isn’t going well, but also explain how I intend on making it better. Every story has a positive and a negative perspective, and I find myself inspired by hearing how the protagonist overcomes adversity rather than how he was born into a rich family, didn’t face any difficulties, and ended up living happily ever after, no questions asked. If overcoming adversity sells novels, can’t this same storytelling method sell our social media accounts?

I hate telling people that I’m fine when I’m struggling day to day, which tends to be the case more often than not. I enjoy telling people what’s actually happening in my life. And my conclusion? I think that’s OK.

“Hiding how you really feel and trying to make everyone else happy doesn’t make you kind, it just makes you a liar.”

-Jenny O’Connell

Let’s talk,

sudermangblog@gmail.com

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