So you may want to brace yourself and prepare for the largest wall of text one should ever have to endure in a single email. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 😉

I don’t mean to take this email from a more light-hearted tone to a serious, harsher place so quickly, but since I’m less-than-stellar when it comes to transitioning, I’ll just dive right in to the subject this email is surrounding: mental health.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety since mid-late grade 10 or so, and have experienced numerous highs and lows as typically comes with these two illnesses. I’m not exactly aware of your experiences with either of these sicknesses, either your own or that of a friend, but I’ve described it to people that I’m speaking to as “a auto-immune disease of the mind”, because that’s exactly what it feels like for most days. It feels as though your mind is telling yourself one thing, while the reality is something entirely different, and although I am far more aware of my own thoughts than I once was, it doesn’t ease the burden of those thoughts entering in the first place.

The only people that have any clue about any of my issues that I’ve had, or at least that I’ve told myself directly, are Nathan, Mom, my friend Devon, and my now-girlfriend ______ who I’m not entirely sure if mom or dad have mentioned her to you, but I digress. Last year around March, I told mom and dad about my struggles with my then deep-depression. Mom has been more supportive than ever, and has helped me extensively with my past few anxiety attacks that I have suffered. I try not to burden Nathan with more than he already has to deal with, and _____ feels awkward talking about it, which leaves me with minimal options for releasing my personal demons.

Nathan has become an expert in an unbelievably quick time in helping me with my anxiety, and knows exactly what to say to help me get it off my mind. I had an anxiety attack because I thought I made _____ upset after being a bit a grouch after losing to Mohawk in our provincial semis, and Nathan told me about how he forgot his wife’s birthday the day before and how although he started to panic and feel terrible, things worked out in the end. The reason I’m telling you this specific story is that I find it incredibly frustrating how most people feel either completely incapable of discussing mental illness with a victim, or will willingly tell me that they don’t want to talk about my mental illness as it makes them “uncomfortable”.

This reminds me of an older, self-conscious teenager who is asked by his parents to go play with his young neighbor. The young neighbor at the end of the day thinks that the teen across the street is cool regardless of how he acts or what he says or does, all the young kid cares about is that someone who he looks up to is willing to put in the time to play with them, and not feel embarrassed about it, regardless of whether it’s “cool” or not to be playing with him. All I want out of those I love is for them to not feel awkward discussing something with me that I don’t feel awkward talking about whatsoever. I don’t need pity, I need honesty and positivity from those around me.

My anxiety has been getting progressively worse as of the last 4-5 months, and I think that this can be attributed to a couple of different events that have taken place this school year. I won’t get too in depth into what those events were, but long story short: I was involved in a relationship where I was massively taken advantage of and emotionally abused for between 2 and 3 months This person should have been removed from the college had the student code been adhered to, but this unfortunately didn’t happen so I have to live with seeing this individual nearly every single day.

This is one of the events that has happened since around grade 10 that has made day-to-day living difficult, and although I have done counselling here and there for the past year or so, it is not yielding sustainable results and is just a quick fix for a recurring problem, so I have recently been seeking additional help and have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to try to figure out further treatment I can undergo. I would never wish my condition unto another human, as it is truly an unspeakable and indescribable horror.

I’ve had this verse open on my phone for months now, as a reminder to try to erase worry from my mind, as I’m constantly plagued by it. I don’t know how you feel about tattoos, but I’m getting MT 6;34 tattooed on myself when I’m able to, as I feel that the meaning behind this tattoo would be something I could use to both comfort myself as I see it in the mirror every morning, as well as be used to put myself out there as someone that anyone can talk to regarding mental health. Helping people by simply being someone to lean on is something that brings myself immense joy, and I am not ashamed at all of my illness and want to be an advocate for change surrounding the stigma.

If you noticed the semi-colon instead of a full colon being used in the verse, that was intentional. If you didn’t notice, I wouldn’t blame you, as I have to read each sentence 4-5 times in a book before I really even begin to notice what I’m reading. Books are the worst, aren’t they?

The semi-colon is a movement that people have used to identify themselves as both victims as well as advocates for mental health awareness. The semi-colon is used by a writer as a break in a sentence, differently from a period which ends a sentence. This author continues a different thought after the semi colon instead of bringing the sentence to an end with a period. My sentence hasn’t ended yet, and I want to be able to live in a world where I am not ashamed to tell it.

It is now 1:30 in the morning and I have been writing for well over an hour, so I will bring this first piece of discussion to an end. I want you to know that I have been thinking about how to get this out for weeks, and although I told you I would respond within the week, I would not have been able to produce this email without first thinking about it for a while. I know you’ll understand, as this isn’t a light issue and I sincerely appreciate you putting yourself out there for me in a time of the year that possibly holds the most significance for myself personally. I have not proofread this email whatsoever so I sincerely apologize if there’s any substantial typos or grammatical errors that are bad enough to stress you out. I’m sure there are multiple.

God bless bro, I love you more than I can put into words.

Brother