Hello there friends! My name is Garrett Suderman, and this is my second attempt at creating a blog that will dwell primarily on the subject of mental health and creating awareness through my own personal experiences.  My first post will be focused around getting to know who I am for those who might not be completely familiar with my background.

So before I can start, I will give you a bit of information regarding where I am now and where I have been. I am currently a 20 year old student-athlete at Niagara College in Welland, Ontario, and being an athlete has always been a key part of my self-identity. I’ve long associated my own athletic accomplishments with my value as an individual and as such have always been extremely competitive in the world of volleyball. I also absolutely refuse to lose in Mario Kart, Mario Party, or Super Smash Bros.. (My competitive nature is almost entirely inherited from my mother, but she won’t ever admit it) I am enrolled in the General Business program at NC and am hoping to pursue a specialization in sales and marketing, which has only recently bloomed as a serious interest of mine, and I am planning on graduating in 2017 and deciding on my next destination from there.

I was born in Winnipeg, Manitoba, and grew up and attended school in a small town 20 minutes south of the perimeter called Niverville until I was around 16. I am blessed in more ways than I am able to articulate, and at the center of all of these blessings is my family which I was born into. My two loving parents and three unbelievably talented siblings have always functioned as a strong foundation for my own personal development, and I am endlessly thankful for them being as passionate and caring as they are. After turning 15 or 16 (my age is becoming more of a blur the larger this number grows), I attended two different high schools in Winnipeg until I finally graduated in 2014, and decided to take a new path in my life that led me 2,220km away from home to Niagara, upon being offered the opportunity to suit up for the Knights men’s volleyball team.

Now that I got my own introduction out of the way, I will tell you why I am starting to write this blog and why I hope writing this will become a staple in my weekly routine. I have been suffering from severe anxiety and depression since I was in grade 5 or so, and kept quiet about my struggles with mental illness for far too long. Before making this post, there are only 7 people in my life that know anything regarding my condition, and out of these 7 people, I only currently have any contact with 4 of these due to past complications. When I’ve been asked by the few brave souls who will openly talk about this subject about what it feels like to suffer from depression or anxiety, I’ve always described it as being a auto-immune disease of the mind, uncontrollably instilled in your brain and attacking your own system. What may seem like a completely harmless situation is often blown entirely out of proportion, so I have to try to convince myself that my own thoughts that are being produced by my own brain are completely irrational and that I need to stop worrying about it. It’s a constant pushing and pulling game between what your brain is thinking and what your heart is feeling, and it’s completely exhausting physically and emotionally. It makes the most simple tasks such as getting out of bed, getting dressed, basic communication, or holding onto relationships incredibly difficult in a unbearably frustrating manner.

Anxiety attacks have happened at different paces for many months, and although I have been attack free for a few weeks, it is also frightening knowing what the triggers are for an attack, while simultaneously not knowing exactly when one will happen. I’ve experienced anxiety attacks on the volleyball court in important matches, in class during a lecture, even while on the phone with my endearing parents, and during nearly every single one of these episodes I felt completely hopeless or felt that speaking about my condition may burden others, as though if I were even pushed to the point of seriously considering suicide or self-harm, all that speaking out about my problems would do is put the weight on someone else’s shoulders instead of my own. It feels like a selfish move. An article that perfectly encapsulates my thoughts regarding this particular stigma is written by a personal friend of my brother named Kieran Moolchan that I’ll link below.

“Hi, Sorry to burden you, but I’m thinking of killing myself”

Being raised in a Christian home, my faith has always been a part of my life, but also has been moved up and down constantly in my own priorities list. In the past year or so though, a series of verses that I’ve memorized and repeated hundreds of times a day are Matthew 6:32-34, which read:

³² These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your Father already knows your needs. ³³ Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all your needs will be provided to you.³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow’s problems will worry about themselves. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.

Now in closing my first blog post, I wanted to declare my own advocacy for working to raise mental health awareness and share my story with others that may be undergoing similar issues or are wishing to talk to someone about it. I have opened up an email account that anyone can message asking questions, telling stories, or just opening up in any sort of conversation that they wish to have with me. I believe that the only way to solve the fundamental cultural issues our society suffers from regarding mental health starts with creating conversation, and that conversation needs to be able to occur, at bare minimum, 365 days of the year.

So let’s talk,

Garrett Suderman

sudermangblog@gmail.com